A Note From Amy

How Can I Support A Friend or Loved One who has Cancer?

This is a question I am asked often in my clinical practice.  It is often difficult to know what to say, what not to say, and how to best support a friend or loved one who has told you they have a diagnosis of cancer.

It is important to remember that there are no set rules and every friendship is different. Be sure to think about your unique dynamic and let that guide you as you try to support your friend. Keep it simple. Remember that often the little things mean the most.

Take Time to Prepare Yourself

Here are some things to consider before talking to a friend who has cancer:

• Process your own feelings beforehand. Learning that a friend has cancer can be difficult news to hear. Take time to acknowledge and cope with your own emotions about the diagnosis before you see him or her. This way, you can keep the focus on your friend.

• Learn about the diagnosis. Your friend may not want to talk about the details for many reasons. It can be physically and emotionally tiring to repeat the same information to different people. 

• Think about it from your friend’s perspective. Remember a time when you were scared or felt sick. Think about what it felt like. What did you want to talk about? How did you want to be treated? 

Helpful tips when Supporting a Friend

Although each person with cancer is different, here are some general suggestions for showing support:

• Ask permission. Before visiting, giving advice, and asking questions, ask if it is welcome. Be sure to make it clear that saying no is perfectly okay.

• Laugh together. Be humorous and fun when appropriate and when needed. A light conversation or a funny story can make a friend’s day.

• Allow for sadness. Do not ignore uncomfortable topics or feelings.

• Check in. Make time for a check-in phone call. Let your friend know when you will be calling. Also, let your friend know that it is okay not to answer the phone.

• Offer to help. Many people find it hard to ask for help. But your friend will likely appreciate the offer. You can offer to help with specific tasks, such as taking care of children, taking care of a pet, or preparing a meal. If your friend declines an offer, do not take it personally.

• Follow through. If you commit to help, it is important that you follow through on your promise.

• Treat them the same. Try not to let your friend’s condition get in the way of your friendship. As much as possible, treat him or her the same way you always have.

• Talk about topics other than cancer. Ask about interests, hobbies, and other topics not related to cancer. People going through treatment sometimes need a break from talking about the disease.

What to Say

Do not be afraid to talk with your friend. It is better to say, “I don’t know what to say,” than to stop calling or visiting out of fear.

Here are some things you can say to help show your care and support:

• I'm sorry this has happened to you.

• If you ever feel like talking, I’m here to listen.

• I care about you.

Offering Practical Help

Your help with daily tasks and chores is often valuable for a friend with cancer. Be creative with the help you offer. Remember that your friend’s needs may change, so be flexible in shifting your plans as needed. Let them know that you are available if an unexpected need comes up.

If receiving practical help is difficult for your friend, you can gently remind them that you do not expect them to return the favor and you do it because you care. While not being pushy, try to suggest specific tasks. Asking “How can I help?” can be broad and overwhelming for your friend. Here are some suggestions to get you started:

• Shop for groceries and pick up prescriptions.

• Cook dinner and drop it off. Ask about dietary restrictions beforehand.

• Schedule a night of takeout food and movies together.

Forming Support Teams

Organizing a support team is a great way to help a friend living with cancer. Some online communities offer tools to coordinate tasks among friends and caregivers. Shareable online calendars can help you organize activities among your friends and family. Make sure your friend has access to the calendar so he or she knows what to expect and when.